free yourself

gypsyeyeeeeees-deactivated20211:

wifey-type:

For my own sanity I let shit be.

27. This is the fifth time my father has threatened to disown me. This is the first time I’m okay with it. After telling my partner that I wish I could tell my parents to squarely fuck off, I decide to ghost them instead. Because I have extraordinary luck, my parents threaten me the same day and I take the opportunity to cut ties. Do I cut ties in a sophisticated, eloquent way? No. Do I tell them to fuck off? No. Do they hurt from my comments? I hope so.

27. My sister calls. She has been kicked out of my parent’s house.

27. My father threatens my teen brother. He might need a place to stay.

27. My father threatens my mother – she agrees with him or moves out. She stays.

27. My father threatens my preteen brother with foster care.

26. I am sitting in my parents’ dining room and things feel strangely comfortable. I make a joke that doesn’t land so I apologize, shift conversation. We bounce back. We are chatting, laughing, and reminiscing. His gaze changes. He towers over me as I remain seated. He wants conflict. I decline, diffuse. He gives an order – I am confused. I try to defend myself. He threatens, he leaves, and I cry.

26. My father tells me he has no savings and is relying on his children for his retirement.

25. I am proud. My partner graduates after years of diligent work and discipline. I am honored to be chosen by him. I worry that now he will leave.

25. My father comments on my changing body. He commends my partner for staying with me. He emphasizes how burdensome it must be for my partner to be mine. He relishes in my partner’s success, praising him, loving him, only wishing the best for him. He highlights that I need to be a biblical wife, bear children, and keep sweet. He emphasizes the burden my partner carries by having a disabled partner. I am quiet.

24. My mother wants to return to college. My father says no. She prepares to gently make a case for herself. He says he will only pay for it if she chooses law school. She wants to be a nurse.

24. I am powerless to my body and my brain. I defend my thesis on painkillers, Zofran, and levetiracetam. I vomit after.

23. My partner and I are nearly broke, living off his student loan.

22. My partner and I are in a long-distance relationship. It is the first summer we spend apart. And it is the first summer that he lives with grief. My family excludes him from their excursions. My partner is alone. My mother says she does not understand what the problem is. My father threatens me and blocks my number. He directs my mother to do the same. I am tired. I am powerless.

22. It is Father’s Day. I live 3500 miles away. I call my father. He tells me that he is proud of my partner. He does not ask about me. I keep sweet.

21. My family does not call this year. They don’t answer either. On Facebook, they say they are proud.

21. My partner does not like the city.

21. My partner resents me. I resent my partner. I do not like my life.

21. I fill with dread and panic, have dreams that frighten me. I lose time. I cannot tell which memories are real. The psychiatrist tells me to reduce caffeine.

20. My partner and I are happy. We pay our bills. We have two dogs.

19. I am dancing with my father. He tells me I will never fit into my wedding dress again.

19. My father makes a toast. He refers to my partner as his charity case. People laugh. I don’t.

19. I am getting married at 10:00 AM Saturday. My father schedules a client meeting for 8:30 AM Saturday. I ask him to reschedule, and he refuses. I cry and ask again. He calls me a bridezilla.

19. I am scared. When I lay in bed next to my partner, it feels wrong. I know he is going to leave. I make promises to him that I can’t keep. I cry, I apologize for crying. I can’t tell him that I have doubts. I know I love him. I want him.

19. My father realizes my partner is intelligent. There is a power shift.

19. My partner works for my father. My father takes advantage of his poverty.

19. My father comes to the restaurant I work at. He tells me to move out of the house. My customers watch. They comfort me.

18. My father tells me to quit my new job. He says I should not take jobs without asking his permission. I decline.

18. My father tells me that my partner is a tool of Satan being used to tear me from my Christian upbringing. My father says that I need to attend Colorado Christian College to meet a godly man.

18. My father tells me that humans are lowly creatures, equivalent to insects, unless they accept Jesus Christ as their savior. I disagree. He says he is a smart man and to trust Daddy.

17. My mother tells me she will not attend my high school graduation because it is boring. My father tells me graduation ceremonies are satanic. He says that any idiot can graduate high school. I don’t attend the graduation.

17. I am captain of the high school competitive cooking team. Mine are the only parents that do not attend the events to support the team. My friends and their parents ask why. I tell them that it is because they are busy. My parents tell me it is because they don’t want to.

16. My father threatens to disown my sister because she and her partner refuse to leave their religion. My mother talks him down.

16. My father decides for the family, as the Patriarch^TM, that everyone is leaving the religion we grew up with. My mother is devastated. My sisters are devastated. Everyone cries. I alone sit with him without tears. Each Sunday, I go with him to try out other churches. My mother and siblings stay home.

15. I win Best Teen Chef in my first culinary competition. My parents arrive late and want to leave early. The judge offers to talk with me privately. My parents say we don’t have time. We leave. My father brags. He highlights his disbelief that I would be a good competitor.

14. We watch my sister sing at a recital. She sings clearly and hits the notes. She is suited for the stage. Her teacher says she did perfectly. My dad tells her the song she chose is Satanic.

14. I am singing songs and playing piano. I am practicing the Star-Spangled Banner. My father tells me that “it sounds like someone is standing on [my] neck” and to be quiet.

13. We don’t have enough money for me to continue music lessons. My parents can only choose two (out of nine) children who can have lessons. My oldest sister keeps her singing lessons. My older sister earns guitar lessons. I understand. I believe that I can teach myself how to play music and sing.

12. My parents attend the play on opening night. We don’t have time for me to meet and greet the audience members. If I stay, I don’t have a ride home. Everyone else is going out to celebrate with their families.

12. I earn the leading role in the community play. My parents say we are too busy for me to take the role due to play practice. They tell me I would need to arrange my own transportation. I asked the church members to help me and they do. I am proud of myself.

11. My father tells me, “Be a leader.” He tells me to think for myself and speak up. He tells me I’m just like him.

10. We don’t have enough money. We need to start working. My mom sews costumes for us to be clowns at parties. We watch videos about how to twist balloons and paint faces. We learn magic tricks. We learn how to download music and use sound systems at parties. We learn to use camcorders and tripods to film everything from weddings to school recitals. We learn to burn DVDs. We make movies and sell them on eBay. I am chosen to be the voice over actor. I mess up a lot when we record. I am proud of my family for working so hard. I don’t complain. I don’t go to my classmates’ birthday parties or weekend events. I understand that we need to work instead. I am proud to help the family.

9. We don’t spend time with other kids. Dad does not want us to have people over who could report us to CPS. He tells all of us that we have to keep the house clean, or people will take us away.

8. I am getting baptized. This is a rare time when I get to spend time with a parent one on one. My dad says that we are baptized at 8 years old because we are old enough to understand sin and commit to a future of honoring the eternal family. Sin would get in the way of that.

8. My mom carries me into the doctor’s office. My kidneys are close to failing. We caught an infection just in time. My mom knows that I wasn’t faking the pain.

7. I am in the hospital. I have a skin infection that was left untreated for too long. It has spread and requires me to be admitted. My mom tells me that she didn’t take me earlier because the doctor is too expensive. She says that I am accident prone.

6. I have one younger sibling. Dad says that it’s my job to be her best friend and to protect her.

contechristino:

All the Cameos in “FEELS LIKE SUMMER” Music Video by Childish Gambino.